As last Friday receded into memory and a weekend of commitments loomed, I sat on our sofa and was just about to strum a few ‘welcome to the weekend’ chords on my guitar when the family requests started, so off I went until later that evening when, once more, I landed on the sofa. I was tired. Not unnatural after a week of work, volunteering, a mid-week night out and general parenting stuff but this moment felt weird, it was a drained tired - muscles ached that shouldn’t, eyes pulsed, my head was sore and I was in a completely apathetic mood - I could not be bothered to do anything, not even the new Zelda game within arms reach.
I sat. Nothing on, nothing distracting me. It was in this moment of quiet, listening to my own self that I recognised an old feeling, something familiar yet wholly unwelcome. Mental stress.
Through a series of commitments, putting myself out for others, extra bits here and there and the prospect of an extremely busy Sunday at our local Watercress Festival juggling parenting, Scout volunteering and ukulele performances, I slowly started to realise I was over-committed. Trying to please everyone else as well as myself and I was starting to feel it. I hadn’t posted anything about Mental Health Week (as I would normally), and looking back, I think subconsciously I didn’t know what to say, because I had something to say but hadn’t realised it, until this moment of pause.
So what did I do? Well I spent Saturday cleaning our house. Organising, arranging, putting things in place whilst listening to music (my goto space for clarity, inspiration and escape). I then made a promise to myself - I could not be all things to everyone on Sunday. I made the decision that Sunday (up to a point) was going to be for me - I would do what I needed to do to fulfil myself. I politely excused myself from Scouting duties (they had plenty of cover anyway), I apologised to my youngest for not being present at his school dance performance (I’ll see it anyway in a few weeks at another event) and I went and played ukulele with my local jam - opening the main stage at the festival. I don’t care if it was only a local festival, it was the main stage, something that has been on a personal bucket list for a long time - there was a second performance (more relaxed) later in the day too in the church.
I was tired at the end of the day - really tired but in such a completely different way to Friday. There was a sense of calm, fulfilment, no stressed head, just physically shattered and content having strummed my heart out. It didn’t take much (and for most it doesn’t when these things are recognised early enough) but by simply seeing what was happening and making a positive choice to do something for me, well, today is a very different day with a very different feel.
Essentially I share my story in the hope that another reads this and perhaps recognises similar thoughts and feelings in themselves to then take a little positive action. Whilst it is important to look out for each other, we also need to listen to ourselves, take a pause and check how we feel. And remember, if you are struggling, if you don’t know what to do or understand how you feel - talk to a friend, go to your GP or contact one of the many charities who have specially trained advisors who can help. You are never alone and no one will ever think less of you because you asked for help.
Be excellent to each other and yourself.
Toby Gilbertson, Director of Operations. May 2023
#PacSolUK #MentalHealth #itsokaytonotbeokay